Classic Pirates vs. Ninjas Rebuttals

The “Speed=Bumps Defense” (1986)

Argument: Pirates win because of rum

Rebuttal: When a pirate fights against any normal enemy, such as a British sailor or a giant squid, they typically swish down some rum to give themselves greater strength for a faster win and also greater fortitude so they can take the opponents’ hits and keep on fighting. As rum makes a pirate stronger and more able to absorb a ninja’s punishment, it also makes them more reliant upon absorbing that damage. The pirate quits flinching, they quit parrying, and they quit trying to dodge. Instead, their alcohol-filled brains turn off their pain receivers and allow them to tough their way through any brawl. It’s how they lose hands and keep on fighting. What the Speed=Bumps Defense says is that even if a pirate needs to land one blow to defeat a ninja, in the time it takes the foggy pirate to land that blow the ninja will have struck the pirate ten times, thus making the ninja the victor.

The “Tough as Ten” Rebuttal (1992)

Argument: Ninjas win because of stealth

Rebuttal: Like pirates care about sneaks. Considering that they’re perpetually drunk they’re used to having things come at them unaware. Most of the time when pirates are fighting they’re also drunk, and that means they get attacked by all sorts of things they never see coming – and they still win. The Tough as Ten rebuttal argues that one pirate has more brute strength than ten ordinary men or six loggers and therefore stealth is nullified. Essentially, if a ninja were to leap out at a pirate and run him through the pirate would only get angry, not dead. Faced with an angry, and not dead, pirate the ninja would have lost the edge that stealth would have theoretically given him. As proof, there are tales of sleeping pirates having their throats cut below decks and crawling to the main deck to face the villain who did it. There are stories of pirates surviving all sorts of wounds that would have killed a normal man. Therefore, even if a ninja gets near a pirate and stabs him through all that’ll happen is the pirate will stir to attention and exact his revenge.

The “If a Man Can’t Stand, a Man Can’t Fight” Defense (1981)

Argument: Pirates win because they cheat

Rebuttal: Ninjas weren’t honorable. They had philosophies they believed in and a part of those was discipline, but it’s the samurai who bought into the honor system, not ninjas. A ninja’s discipline included overt acts of cheating, like dropping on someone from above or blowing metal shavings into their eyes; cheating was part of the overall ninja strategy for winning a fight. If a man can’t stand, a man can’t fight focuses upon one particular cheat of the ninjas: caltrops. Pirates never wore shoes and ninjas always had sharp things to throw on the ground. If a pirate couldn’t maneuver or walk he had no ground for making a reasonable defense, let alone an offense. And if cheating is supposed to give pirates a leg up, consider that ninjas also fought rival ninjas who cheated. They’re used to fighting unorthodox combatants and they roll with it. A little kick to the codpiece was all in a day’s work for ninjas. Certainly they knew how to counter it.

The “Daily Dose of Death Defense” (1977)

Argument: Ninjas win because of better weapons

Rebuttal: Mock the cutlass not! First off, ninjas were known to use farm tools as weapons so when we’re talking quality the cutlass doesn’t look so bad. Plus, ninjas used things they could dump in case their mission was blown. When you risk having to toss your weapons, you don’t use the best you can get. According to the Daily Dose of Death defense a pirate fought for his life every single day and therefore if there was one thing he took care of it was the sword that kept him from death. Everything got rusty or barnacled on a ship and the pirates made sure to keep both sword and ship in working condition. Even if the pirate let his weapon dull a bit, he still had the arm strength of six lumberjacks and that was more than enough to turn even a cylinder into a weapon of cutting ferocity. Pirates were loaded down with enough hooks, axes, knives, swords, clubs, ropes, bottles, gouges, and sharks’ teeth to slay a whole crew without having to wonder where to get another weapon if their cutlass failed them. It’s all part of a day’s routine when death is the alternative.

The “Inverse Ninja Law” (2003)

Argument: Pirates win because of numerical advantage

Rebuttal: The Inverse Ninja Law (or Inverse Ninja Theory) is credited to game designer Aaron Pavao of Sancho Games. The theory states that as a group of ninjas increases in members each individual ninja loses some of their power, but as the group decreases in members each individual ninja gains more power. In other words, the Inverse Ninja Law states that the Sum Ninja Effectiveness = 1/Ninjas. It is based upon those countless scenes in movies, cartoons, and anime where a group of ninjas is quickly dispatched with ease, but a lone ninja is nigh undefeatable. The theory has been used to make the claim that pirates simply cannot defeat ninjas ever: ninjas can always employ the tactic of splitting up, thus becoming many sole ninjas (each being unconquerable) instead of a one mass group of easily defeated ninjas.

The “Freedom of the Sea Axiom” (1999)

Argument: Ninjas win by posing as pirates

Rebuttal: Pirates were free. They were sort of fighting for or against a cause, but mostly they just wanted their freedom. Ninjas were not free. They were certainly fighting for or against a cause, but mostly they wanted their freedom. The Freedom of the Sea axiom states that as soon as a ninja donned pirate garb, they would become a pirate because of the freedom they experienced. Sashes, plumes, tattered shorts, and parrots spell freedom. A ninja wearing such items would rather join the crew than slay the crew. Therefore any ninja who thought they could dress as a pirate and kill from within their own ranks would quickly find that his mission was secondary to the freedom he felt on the high seas and would transform from ninja to pirate.

The Bugs Bunny Defense (2006)

Argument: Pirates win because they have cannons

Rebuttal: In the time it takes the pirates to see the ninjas, load their cannons, aim their cannons, and fire their cannons the ninjas will have moved. Ninjas can turn invisible and go wherever they want. By the time the first cannon shot was fired the ninjas would already be on the pirates’ boat and all it takes is one ninja to defeat them all. The Bugs Bunny Defense claims that a shipload of pirates would get owned by a stray match tossed into the gun powder room, ala Bugs Bunny. Bugs Bunny never owned any ninjas, and we all know that Bugs Bunny is THE epitome of ownage. But even Bugs Bunny knows when he’s met his match. Therefore pirates < Bugs Bunny < ninjas.

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